Bright Star
by PixieGirl17
Summary: Based on John Keats 'Bright Star' a depiction of Calcifer as a star before he met Howl


**Disclaimer: **I do not own Howl's Moving Castle and I do not own John Keats poem 'Bright Star'.

Bright Star

For **Leena Lionheart**

_Bright star, would I were steadfast as thou art -_

_Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night_

People always personified stars. This was the one thing throughout the centuries he hung up in the sky which annoyed Calcifer more than anything. The reason was because he didn't understand why. It was just something that they just did but he found with humans that there was always a logical reason for their behaviour. Sometimes not but this was an instance where a logical reason was in demand. They were always pondering when they were staring up and him and his brothers and sisters. Mortals always thought they had the answers. Poetry immortalised them but they forgot something. They forgot to put in another little secret about stars within their trivial, insufficient words because even they didn't know this one little secret about the nature of stars. Only scientists knew about this and constantly acknowledged this one fact merely because they were always led by logic. Something he rather admired in them. They completely and utterly forgot the one important fact that stars didn't live forever. They just lived a little longer than most humans but then again they had more fire to burn off than most humans. The light inside them shone brightly for centuries but eventually like all lights they faded and died out. They would soon exploded and evaporate and once again become part of the universe. Some people would think this was sad but really it was only inevitable. It was simply a part of the cycle of life. Just as humans would eventually have to die.

He was not alone in this fate either. His brothers and sisters, and even mortals shared this fate. Nothing ever lasted for ever. Even the universe which they were all encapsulated by would not last forever, some things just had a longer expiry date. In the case of stars, they were longer than most humans. Everyone and everything had to die eventually and it was simply what was and always would be. It was a part of nature, as sad as it may seem but it was the absolute truth of the matter. It was something he had known throughout the entire span of his existence and he accepted this fact. However something else happened to him that he didn't expect. When he did die like some stars he fell from the heavens.

This was a secret you were never told until the moment when you would fall. That was the great joke of it all. You were not told until the split second you had to carry out this deed unless you failed and evaporated into the atmosphere, almost as if you never existed. For a split second you had a few moments to find a human host to live in if you really wanted to live forever but only a few if not then you would evaporate into the air and meet your true death. Those two words were something which filled him with absolute dread. It was because there was a finality in those words. There was something which told the listener that there was something about death that you didn't know and was something which was kept secret for a reason. Because there was something truly terrible behind that curtain. The one thing you suspected but didn't want to admit was actually true. That was the whispered secret very few stars knew and it was because it was something which came at a price for both the mortal and the star. If there was any established law amongst stars this would be a law which if committed would be punished by execution.

_And watching, with eternal lids apart, _

_Like nature's patient, sleepless Eremite,_

He was always bored with just seeing the same thing over and over again. The repetitious nature of humanity eventually got tiring. The only thing which would entertain him was when the huge, monumental social changes came. When old traditions were ripped apart and thrown away to the side to make room for the new ways. For a new world. In some ways, it actually improved the world as it already was. Once more things began to be accepted the world became a brighter place even when it came hand in hand with more destructive wars. Then again some wars were a result of the conflict between the old and new world, mainly due to people finally revealing the exploits the old world made. He hated always being eternally awake and never being able to have a moment to sleep. He didn't know how. What was the point in a star which sleeps? He watched humans sleep but he couldn't replicate the action himself. So all he could do was continuously watch. He was amazed that humans repeated the same mistakes over and over again. One would think they would've learned after the same story being played out a number of times.

Not just in terms of wars but even within a family, sometimes the great-great-great-great Granddaughter would make the same mistake as her ancestor without realising that there was a cautionary tale for her to keep in mind. It played out like a tragic play or novel where a family curse which was not inflicted by any form of magic but out of sheer coincidence. Sometimes he actually pitied them since they were on some occasions never to know such things or didn't find out in time to prevent them. Maybe that was why there were witches and wizards in the world. Those who were capable of more than most would be able to protect those who were too weak to protect themselves. He hated watching the same show over and over again. At first he found it interesting and almost took himself on as a anthropologist but after seeing the same scenario being played out about ten times things started to feel repetitive.

They were all slaves to natures course. Even stars. Then again nature was a cruel mistress. She wanted to be generous as she was brutal. Some lessons had to be learnt the hard way and she wasn't afraid to take drastic measures in some situations. Sometimes it was in those darkest moments when people either had to suffer or make a terrible mistake for them to realise how to be a decent human being. Other times they just didn't get it and it made them more bitter. Stars died too and they were a part of the universe after all. If you were a part of the universe you were automatically a slave to nature. Whoever this force was he knew when he would finally meet nature itself he would have a number of questions as to why it wrote things out the way it did. Repetition served no purpose other than to emphasise a point, which is some cases was necessary but not to the point of something being repeated about a thousand times over. By that point it had fulfilled its purpose.

They had been able to do what a lot of humans on countless occasions had been unable to do. It was something they all yearned for because their idea of it was something a lot more miraculous than it actually was. Yet, it was something as untouchable as a star could never achieved. To live a fulfilled life. So many had failed to find some sense of purpose in their lives and eventually when they came to their deathbed they were very rightfully filled with nothing but regret. He was alone in his thoughts. Many stars enjoyed watching the same play over and over again. They had no sense of novelty. They only comforted in their lot and when their demise would come they would accept it as much as he had done. He was alone but he didn't care.

_The moving waters at their priestlike task_

_Of pure ablution round the earth's human shores,_

He felt sorry for the Moon sometimes. At least he wasn't responsible for the balance of nature. At least nature hadn't given him a task to carry out. He could never imagine himself being responsible for something. Making sure that the tides would be shifting back and forth rhythmically. Sometimes he would wonder what it would be like to swim in the ocean. Paying attention to every detail of the entire flow of the waters, making sure that they were entwining with one another correctly and harmoniously. He would sometimes talk to the moon and ask what it was like to have a burden on your shoulders. He knew that if you had to follow a certain set of rules which could come in the form of following a certain schedule you knew that you had a responsibility you could be tricked into it that easily. The Moon had no reply for this. He would have no reply if he were the Moon. He would need every ounce of concentration in order to carry out what needed to be done. If for one moment he lost concentration everything would be thrown into chaos. He had seen it himself what happens when the Moon messes up its job. The countless mistakes have left a scar on its face.

Calcifer always knew he was never one for hard labour. In some ways he was glad to be a star because he never had to carry out any form of labour. All he had to do was sit in the sky all day long and shine throughout the night. Simple. He was glad that unlike humans he never had to take a job or have a family to take care of. Call him egotistic but then again there was a bit of a demon in him. All demons knew that they weren't ones for heavy labour and only ones to live for pleasure and luxury. There was a bit of a demon in every star after all. The one thing he was grateful for was the fact that he never had to work. He could sit there and watch but even having nothing to do can be a burden. You were cursed with the burden of boredom. Not the worst thing you could be condemned with in this universe, he could acknowledge that but...He was helpless in watching the worlds disasters pass him by and could do nothing to warn the mortals or stop it. The fires within him had a passion sometimes to jump off his seat in the Heavens and fall down to the earth and try to change everything. He needed the moons tides to cool his temper and his passions, to put his mind at ease, to remind him of his values and priorities.

He couldn't do that until it was his time. He just had to shine but even that became trivial. What was the purpose of sparkling as brightly as you could in the sky? How would that change anything? What was its purpose other than making the sky look pretty and inspiring poets? Some stars had a job to carry out. Like the North Star who always had to be shining in order to let travellers know that they were walking in the right direction so that they could get home safely. If anything went wrong with that that was something else Calcifer wouldn't want on his hands. Strangely enough nothing ever went wrong with the North Star. Perhaps it was because the North Star was so diligent. Calcifer enjoyed his carefree life, so he couldn't understand why he had this need to matter. This desire to do something with the time he had left.

_Or gazing on the new soft fallen mask_

_Of snow upon the mountains and the moors-_

Still you had to envy humans for the beauty world nature had given to them. They were able to full appreciate it. Touch it. Smell it. Taste it. Hear it. Completely and utterly immerse themselves in it but they were always relentless upon trying to destroy it straight after reaping it of all its fruits. It was human nature unfortunately. Sometimes they even took it for granted and began to build towns and cities upon the beautiful, jade green hills and over silent, peaceful valleys who had been preyed upon by the grey, metallic wolves who gnawed at its grassy hair and ripping it out of its scalp never to grow back again. He found it so amazing, more than anything how tall mountains could be. How grand, empowering and intimidating they could be. If he was a human staring up at them he could only imagine them being even more amazing than from looking at them far above the very peak of the tallest mountain. Or how they were still standing after all these years. They were like the Grandfathers of the rocky cliffs of the moors who would watch over the mortals below, almost embracing mortals as if to protect them from nature itself since even nature could choose to lash out at humans every now and then.

Everything had to be broken and smashed. He was glad that he was safe up in the sky or who knows what humans would do with stars if they could touch them. Sometimes he didn't blame nature in attacking humans every now and again with her howls and her thunderous cries. The only place which seemed to stand against mortals were the mountains and snow which feel upon it. It was the one thing humans were afraid of. They climbed to high there was a risky of falling. If they were too low and craned their head back they would almost feel that at any moment it could topple over them burring them forever in its rubble.

_No-yet still steadfast, still unchangeable, _

_Pillowed upon my fair love's ripening breast,_

Calcifer thought one night he was never going to be able to think about humans any other way. That there was no way of ever being able to convince him that humans could be nothing else but self-absorbed. For the way that they treated each other and treated nature they were always going to be just as egotistic and selfish as Calcifer was. He was willing to admit to his own faults. He had no problems with doing that because he had no responsibilities. The problem with humans was that they wanted to pretend that they weren't. They were so blinded by their own egos that they couldn't see their monumental flaws. They wanted to make out that there were these moral agents and that they had the authority to make such decisions and take control over the balance of nature for it to play to their favour when that really wasn't the case. They were tiny ants in comparison to the other forces in the universe. Even the Moon had more authority over the matters they tried to control. They had no right. It just frustrated Calcifer so much. Nature had told them a thousand times over that this wasn't the case at all they were simply temporary housekeepers until the time of their judgement would arrive.

There was something which gave him a little bit of hope. Just something which stopped him from being completely cynical towards every single mortal being. Something which most people would think he would be rather cynical about but the thing was that all the good which stemmed from humans became an actuality because of this. It was this small, rare but basic emotion which allowed there to be a least a little bit of harmony within the world. It was funnily enough, love. He had seen it happen a thousand time. He saw it occur between a husband and wife. Young lovers. Elderly couples. Amongst parents and their children. Amongst life-long friends. He had to admit that when he saw a little fragment of it he felt a little buzz. When people showed love towards one another it was showing them at their best. It was the moment when a human wasn't being egotistical because they were willing to reach out to another person and have a connection with them. They were making themselves vulnerable simply by just showing a little bit of love. They were willing to say to another person that they were willing to give up a part of them for that other person.

_To feel forever its soft fall and swell, _

_Awake forever in a sweet unrest,_

He once asked another Star, what would you do if you were human for one day?

The Star was unsure as to why he was asking this but answered him nonetheless. The Other Stars answer was to taste every flavour, every texture of food. Calcifer was a little confused by this answer but let it stand. He was asked by the Other Star what he would do if he were human for a day. His answer was a little more radical but equally hedonistic. He answered that he would take a lover. This was going back to his wonder of love. Except now he wanted more than anything to find out what it was like to carry the heart of another in your own. To carry another on top of your seemed like a heavy burden but so many over the centuries took pleasure in doing so. He saw that there was also an emotional element to love which could be felt on each side no matter how premature just as long as it was true to some extent.

There seemed to be something wonderful about being in love with another person. He had no idea why someone would do that. It was such a reckless thing to do almost to the point of it being a self-destructive act. He was so curious as to what it would feel like to be in the arms of another person. To be able to run his hands through their hair and across their skin. To hold their hand. To listen to a lover's heartbeat as you wrapped your arms around them, clinging to them desperately as if to save them from the curses of time and to remain in that moment forever. To kiss another. Laugh with another. To take pleasure in being awake in what seemed to be an eternal night. Some people would look up at him in their aftermath of their love making not knowing that someone was staring back.

_Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,_

_And so live ever-or else swoon to death._

Some people wasted their lives on the idea of love, believing that romantic love could complete them. It was rather pathetic if you thought about. You didn't have to live just for the love of another person. In fact that was rather selfish. There was such a thing as compromising your loyalties between the different people that you loved for different reasons, of course. But people forgot that there were different types of love. You could have the love that you have for your family, friends, children, even in some deity that you believed in. You could give your life up to love but you had to remember that it wasn't restricted to one variation of it. It was such a universal concept that it would be impossible for it to come in one form. It was the one thing he was more curious about but it was something he knew he wasn't missing out on. Romantic love, more than any other kind of love was the most riskiest one to take on of all. Sometimes it didn't work out or it lead to heart-break. The demolishing of love was more painful than any other emotion you could feel.

He couldn't remember much more of the time before he fell down from the heavens into the arms the soul who's heart he would carry for so many years. He called out to him not knowing why yet he had known that name for his entire existence. Everything about his past life as a star seemed like a blur now and only fragments of it remained. He didn't even want to question whether it was worth remembering now that it had become so trivial. He couldn't even remember having a name. He was just a single, solitary star continuously shining over the universe night after night. He knew now he never had a name. The only name that was given to him was the one Howl gave him. It was the only one had had and he was going to treasure it as much as he was going to treasure the other gift which he gave him. He was always and only Calcifer. When you were a star you never really knew your name. You had a name but no one ever really knew it. You only found out whenever it was the time when you would die. He could've found out on that night what his name was but instead fate had something else in store for him. Besides what was there in a name? What was there to be achieved in knowing ones name?


End file.
